Super Bowl 50 turned out to be a defensive battle, a.k.a. a snoozer. The CBS broadcast was boring, the game—aside from the first five minutes—was unthrilling, the halftime show was halfway mediocre at best… even the commercials were forgettable (Twitter agreed, for the most part). The only two I remember chuckling at were the singing sheep herd and the hot dog weiner dogs.
Despite the lackluster finale to the season, millions of Americans are waking up today more melancholy than normal (it’s still Monday, after all). Why? Because they’re looking at six months without their beloved NFL. I know what you’re thinking, but there’s the combine and the draft and… I’m going to stop you right there, nerds. Nothing can replace actual games, and you know it.
There is an upside to the offseason: you now have Monday night, Thursday night, and all day Sunday to get something accomplished. This is the time of year where you can freely check everything off your to-do list in order to get ready for next season. Not sure where to start? Here’s a list to get you going…
Fix your broken window.
For the past few months, your neighbors have been quietly referring to your house as “the ghetto one” due to the broken window you’ve duct-taped together. If it wasn’t the most prominent, front window that faces the street and anyone driving by, you could get away with letting the duck tape ride as long as possible. Unfortunately, it’s killing your curb appeal, so get it fixed now while there’s no football to miss.
Finish the remodeling job you started last year.
Six months ago you had this great idea to remodel your basement office. You took all the furniture out, removed all the pictures from the walls, brushed on three coats of fresh paint, and moved everything back in. You even bought a new desk, which you did manage to put together. However, that’s where progress ceased. Now, with all your Sunday free time, go finish the job. Hang the pictures, throw out the garbage, and look forward to kickoff 2016.
Clean out the fridge.
Preseason games started… when, back in August? That means you’ve got six months worth of rotting gameday snack food hiding everywhere in your fridge. I realize it’s likely your second fridge, and it’s either in the basement or the garage, but there’s no reason to leave it until next season. You’ve got to make room for a fresh start come next August.
Call your mother.
Yes, you’ve spoken to your mother in the past six months, but she always calls on Sundays around noon. You have nooooooooooooo idea what is going on with your extended family, because you were too busy watching football on mute while pretending to listen to your mom. Call her now. Have some fun with it, if you want… turn on a soccer or hockey game and see if you are strong enough to ignore the riveting, scoreless action to give your mom your full attention.
Trim your dog’s claws.
Again, it’s been six months. Trim your poor dog’s claws. She’s been walking around on your hardwood floors with three-inch nails since fall. It’s not healthy for her, and it’s ruining your flooring… not to mention her self-esteem. Can you imagine walking around in tap shoes all day, every day? It’d be embarrassing. Stop torturing your dog and cut her nails. When you’re done, curl up on the couch together and take a nap while “watching” some relaxing golf on TV.
Anything to avoid going to church on Sundays.
Love each other and don’t be an asshole. There, that’s every single sermon ever boiled down into one chestnut. You’re welcome. Now, go enjoy the outdoors, each other, and all the blessings that come with being a sentient life form with free will.
Put away the Christmas decorations.
While you managed to get the tree out of the house as you cleaned up after your New Year’s Eve party, plenty of decorations are still strewn about the house waiting to be put away until next year. Hey, kind of like football! There, think about how football is just around the corner as you pack up your Christmas stockings… don’t think about how much storage room is being taken up by decorations.
If you’re wondering if this list is just my own honey-do list and is in no way helpful to you, you’re completely right. These are the things I’ve given up in honor of watching my beloved Vikings… the things I need to get done before next season. You’re welcome to come help, especially if you know anything about replacing windows.