Donald Trump’s A Robot, Right?

After his laughable announcement calling for “a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on,” Donald Trump has rightly earned the label of racist. Many in the media are now freely slapping that label on him, which is fitting, but too simple in my opinion.

When you look at the sum total of all the flamboyantly self-evident B.S. Trump has spewed over the course of his campaign, I’m willing to go a step further and claim that Donald Trump is actually a robot. Trumpbot. Removing his “humanity” is the only explanation that allows me to continue to have any faith in the human race. #TrumpbotTruther

The fact that he’s a machine is also the only way I can rationalize his robot-like reactionary rhetoric. Media headlines use words like “provocative” and “inflammatory,” which are both apt descriptions of Trumpbot’s language, but they give him too much credit. It takes a human to add that certain amount of nuance required to turn everyday words into emotionally charged, “provocative” hate speech.

Trumpbot’s remote-control operator, try as he might (he’s definitely a he, yes?), also can’t overcome the age-old artificial intelligence conundrum of self-awareness. It’s the holy grail of A.I. research, but Trumpbot clearly shows just how far we are from conquering that challenge. Look into Trumpbot’s eyes and you—as a self-aware human—will instantly recognize the complete absence of awareness.

The fact that Trumpbot also displays such an elementary-level understanding of “right and wrong” is more a problem with the operator than with Trumpbot itself. It’s frightening that a robot could climb to the top of a major American political party, but it’s more frightening to know that said robot is, in reality, likely controlled by an eighth-grade bully with a high-for-his-age-group IQ.

How am I so sure it’s a middle-schooler with a penchant for douchebaggery doing the talking for Trumpbot? I would turn around and ask you, “Hey, real life human, how is this not obvious to you? He’s making it all up as he goes, duh!” See below for evidence… real Trumpbot quotes delivered from the perspective of your drunk, racist neighbor. 

Here are just a few of the more juvenile, opposite of adult-running-for-president things Trumpbot has said during his campaign. And because I’m a human and not a robot, I’ll extend the courtesy of letting you decide for yourself whether Donald Trump is man or machine.

Referring to Hillary Clinton’s hair, Trumpbot said “Well, she has a new hairdo, did you notice that… I tell you what, it really was shocking to see it because… it was massive. Her hair became massive.”

Massive? Ever hear another middle-aged man make fun of a woman’s hair like that? Also, this is perhaps the clearest example of the self-aware issue with Trumpbot, the robot with the worst hair in robot history.

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump signs a supporter's shirt at the end of a Trump for President campaign rally in Raleigh

On fellow Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina: “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president. I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not s’posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”

Look at that face? I actually remember a snot-nosed schoolyard bully shouting those exact same words as he rubbed another kid’s face in the sandbox sand.

“I will be so good at the military, your head will spin,” was Trumpbot’s answer to a  question about the difference between Hezbollah and Hamas.

So good at the military? What?

And who could forget this gem, which kicked off his whole campaign for president of the United States: “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

Trumpbot’s command of the English language is strong… for a robot.

My personal favorite came just this week in reaction to the blowback Trumpbot got for his call to ban all Muslim refugees. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Trumpbot claimed to have Muslim friends who agree with the Muslim ban: “I have people that I have tremendous relationships with, they’re Muslim. And Barbara, they agree with me 100 percent.”

That last quote is my favorite because it illustrates exactly why Trumpbot is a joke. His claim of having Muslim friends is exactly the same as any other idiot racist who uses the N word “because he has black friends.” It’s complete B.S. He’s making this stuff up as he goes along like Biff Tannen making up punchlines to jokes he doesn’t understand.  

#TrumpbotTruther. Let’s make it happen, Twitter friends. Otherwise we may end up with a dumb robot president. Or worse, a Biff.

Republican presidential candidate Trump smiles at his campaign rally in Manassas, Virginia

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